There is a loneliness…to being the oldest sister. To being surrounded by brothers. To having a sister who was always too young to understand what I was going through. 

There is a loneliness…to always being the most responsible, the most independent. To being the second child, but the first to take risks, leave home, strike out on their own.

There is a loneliness…to being so secretive. To being afraid to share my hurts and admit my failings. To locking away anger and disappointments behind bright smiles.

There is a loneliness…to moving from place to place. To leaving old friends behind and being forced to risk rejection as you attempt to make new ones. To being misunderstood by those you left behind. 

There is a loneliness…to being childless, even by choice, when most of the other married couples your age are driving carpools and changing diapers. To taking the risk of being labeled strange, different, because you haven’t yet taken the leap into motherhood. To being overlooked and uninvited because you don’t fit in.

There is a loneliness…to choosing such an isolating career. To working from home, with no one but your husband and your cat for company. To only seeing colleagues a few times a year.

There is a loneliness…to having ambition. To pursuing your dreams no matter the cost. To achieving success when sometimes it alienates others. 

But…it is a loneliness…I choose. A past that shaped me. A sacrifice I accepted. A risk I was willing to take. 

It is an emotion…I refuse to let define me. A road I am willing to travel. A barrier I will not accept. A fiction that is all in my mind.